It has been a while since I have been on here. Every day I wake up saying today is going to be the day that I post a new blog, and then nothing. This has been the scenario for the last 2 years. I have done a lot of journaling since the start of the pandemic, so I have been writing, not just for the world to see. Today I was chatting with one of my best friends about how frustrated I have been regarding my career goals and just my overall financial situation. The pandemic has done a number on many of us. It has depleted savings accounts. It has decreased earnings in which many of us were laid off from our high-paying jobs and were forced to take lesser-paying jobs just to survive. Interestingly enough, I feel like the pandemic has crippled my relationship with money. I am not sure exactly how, but I feel more reckless with my money. Not that I am spending money on clothes and frivolous things. But on poor investments. A lot of us got into investing and money groups over the pandemic, hoping that we would make serious financial gains. I mean, people were posting on Instagram that they turned $100 into $10,000 trading. Who wouldn’t want to get in on that? But I digress. Frustration, I was talking about frustration. Although I will say, that this pursuit to increase one’s wealth is very frustrating. But I guess, I will talk about this in another post, on another day.
I have been frustrated with life for quite some time now. Most people would never think this because I always seem to have “it” together. However, little do they know, I am walking around unfulfilled and still searching for ways to fulfill my purpose. Unlike many, I know what my purpose is. The issue is how do I make real money while fulfilling my purpose. I am not a hustler. At some point in life, you have to be realistic about who you are. I am not a hustler. I have great ideas and a great drive, but I am not the best at getting out there and getting money. If that were the case, I would be a billionaire right now. Literally. Living in New York City doesn’t help the situation. I read an article the other day that stated that New York City is now the most expensive city to live in. So the quest to always find a bag is constant and it’s exhausting and it is frustrating. It is so frustrating to have to choose between purpose and survival.
Now many may say that it doesn’t have to be this way. And perhaps they are right. It might not have to be this way, but it is this way for the time being until something happens to change the trajectory. I am a woman of faith, but as I have stated time and time again, my faith is literally the size of a mustard seed. I am wired a bit different in which, although I believe in God and I believe in miracles and all of that stuff when it comes to personal struggles, I rely on my own understanding first. I am a natural-born problem solver. This is what I do. I problem-solve. So it is not easy for me to let go and let God. It is not easy for me to be still.
But I guess this is why I am living in a constant state of frustration. The other day I met a woman who happened to be a mental health professional. We were out with a mutual friend and the conversation turned to the topic of anxiety and the project I am currently working on addressing anxiety in Black women. I told her that I have struggled with anxiety for a while and have encountered many professional women of color who have admitted to dealing with the same. I believe in divine intervention and I can say that I was meant to have crossed paths with this woman. She told me that sometimes it is not anxiety that we are dealing with but instead excitement about what the future holds.
Anyone who knows me, knows that I am always working oAnyone who knows me knows that I am always working on some project. I am always creating. I pray that there comes a day where I can truly do what I love and get paid for it. I think a lot of my frustration and anxiety, maybe a combination of excitement and impatience, but can’t excitement bring on anxiety? I am not the most patient person. I am a true Sagittarian when it comes to that. So waiting for this next big break is killing me. I know that it has to come because I believe in the work that I am doing, but Jesus Christo, how much longer do I have to wait? I do not want to be like Viola Davis testifying about how I got my big break 40 years later. Jesus, please let that NOT be me. This is frustration lol.
So how do I overcome this? I clearly am self-aware of my issues. I am in therapy, but I have always been in on and off therapy. I guess maybe that is the problem lol. I have not committed to a real course of therapeutic treatment that could assist me in self-correction. Maybe I need to go to one of those wellness retreats where you leave all technology behind and become one with nature. But then again, I don’t think I need any more time with my thoughts. Again, I am self-aware. So Idk, I guess prayer? More prayer and devotion? Idk. I do know that I need to figure this out fast because frustration can be debilitating and I feel debilitation coming on. With my mustard seed faith, I do believe that things will change for the better, it’s just the waiting part that sucks.